Reality 1 : Dreams 0

"There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction” – Winston Churchill

The house went on the market officially this morning. We have had three requests for showings as of 3 pm. This is taken as good news. I hope it is a trend that continues.

A friend asked me what my plan was for moving. Was I going to buy or am I going to rent?

My intent is to rent. I have viewed a few nice townhome communities, some gated, some not. My credit took a hit with my divorce and I feel it is best if I work to restablish that. 

The rental properties I have viewed are nice. Very nice. One luxury apartment community has a pool, an onsite gym, clubhouse, discounts at adjancent golf course, and even offers discounts for those who work for the employer I do.

I toured the complex last week on my own and later took my two sons back with me. My oldest son was ecstatic and uttered many ten year old "co0000ols" at the various amenities.

Even in the face of a beautiful property, glee on my sons face, inside I felt disheartened.

I am grieving.

It wasnt supposed to be this way. Our children are supposed to have better than their parents. My children were supposed to have better than I did.

I grew up in a nieghborhood chock full of kids. We rode our bikes, played tee-ball in the street, babysat for neighborhood families, had barbecues on small lots with tree houses and played on jungle gyms.

My sons will get a town house or apartment complex? I dont care if it has a pool (I never had a pool).  I dont care if they pick up and drop off my dry cleaning.

It is not a house. It is not a neighborhood.

It is not what I wanted for my children.

This makes me sad and again makes me feel I am a failure as a mother. I already failed my daughter in the worst way possible. Now I fail my sons.

My mother and sister assure me daily that I will get through this. They remind me I am not the first woman on the planet to go through a divorce and experience life changes as a result They tell me I always come out on top. They remind me of all I have been through and survived.

And their words make me cry.

Yes, yes, yes, I know.

But again, it wasnt supposed to be this way. Fantasy and reality are colliding in front of me and creating the perfect emotional storm. My heart is aching.

Like my daughters adoption, it wasn’t supposed to be this way.

12 Thoughts.

  1. I’m sorry you’re hurting over this, Suz. I know you know that your kids will be fine and that you are a fantastic mother but I also know that doesn’t help the hurt. I’m thinking of you (and your boys).

  2. You are NOT a failure Suz. You are freaking amazing. You did NOT fail them. They have you and they’re happy, healthy kids, and most importantly you care about them and want them to be happy… you’re a fantastic mom. I’m sorry this sucks and you’re hurting. You guys will be OK, though. <333 ::hugs::

  3. No, not a failure.
    (((((hugs)))))
    I remember having those feelings when I had to leave my daughter’s father. I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m thinking of you.

  4. Oh, I want to come hug you. I have found myself beating myself up, over and over, about failures/etc. You are an amazing mother. Please allow yourself to feel that and believe that. I’d say more but we’re all hacking and coughing and dying over here and it’s late but I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you.

  5. Suz, I remembered this quote and looked it up:
    “One hundred years from now, it will not matter what kind of car I drove or what kind of clothes I wore. All that will matter is that I made a difference in the life of a child.” ~ Forrest Witcraff
    (And let me add to that: whether or not we lived in a house)
    I don’t really know you, but I feel like I do. You are an amazing, dedicated mother. Your boys are flexible. Being with you is what’s really important. And they will have friends and they will play on the apartment grounds. It’s not the “stuff” that matters. It’s that you are together. Please believe, it will be okay.
    Sending (((((MAJOR HUGS)))))

  6. I have been thinking a lot about this post. It reminded me of when I sold my bachelor’s townhouse condominium and bought this house. I almost had a feeling like I didn’t deserve to have a real house in a neighborhood…
    It also reminded me of an adoptee friend who puts so much effort into her husband and sons. She has built a family for herself because she felt very unconnected to both her adoptive family and her biological family.
    I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better.

  7. It’s natural to grieve about this, Suz. It is. Even if the divorce was for the best, it is the end of something important in your life. Changes are overwhelming and scary, even good ones, sometimes.
    Take care of your heart. You’ll be in my thoughts.

  8. It sucks. No matter what we do as mother’s we feel guilty…we could’ve done this better, they should’ve had that. I would like you to know that I feel you have given your boys a much greater gift than growing up like we did. When someone treats you poorly and tries to beat you down repeatedly, you get your “oh hell no” going, pull up your bootstraps and do what is best for YOU. What kind of example would you be for your boys if you had stayed?
    Just my .02. Love ya. See you tomorrow.

  9. Sorry you have to go through this…glad that you were strong enough to make the choice to not stay where you were not happy…the boys would feel it. You are a good mom making good choices

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