"There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction” – Winston Churchill
The house went on the market officially this morning. We have had three requests for showings as of 3 pm. This is taken as good news. I hope it is a trend that continues.
A friend asked me what my plan was for moving. Was I going to buy or am I going to rent?
My intent is to rent. I have viewed a few nice townhome communities, some gated, some not. My credit took a hit with my divorce and I feel it is best if I work to restablish that.
The rental properties I have viewed are nice. Very nice. One luxury apartment community has a pool, an onsite gym, clubhouse, discounts at adjancent golf course, and even offers discounts for those who work for the employer I do.
I toured the complex last week on my own and later took my two sons back with me. My oldest son was ecstatic and uttered many ten year old "co0000ols" at the various amenities.
Even in the face of a beautiful property, glee on my sons face, inside I felt disheartened.
I am grieving.
It wasnt supposed to be this way. Our children are supposed to have better than their parents. My children were supposed to have better than I did.
I grew up in a nieghborhood chock full of kids. We rode our bikes, played tee-ball in the street, babysat for neighborhood families, had barbecues on small lots with tree houses and played on jungle gyms.
My sons will get a town house or apartment complex? I dont care if it has a pool (I never had a pool). I dont care if they pick up and drop off my dry cleaning.
It is not a house. It is not a neighborhood.
It is not what I wanted for my children.
This makes me sad and again makes me feel I am a failure as a mother. I already failed my daughter in the worst way possible. Now I fail my sons.
My mother and sister assure me daily that I will get through this. They remind me I am not the first woman on the planet to go through a divorce and experience life changes as a result They tell me I always come out on top. They remind me of all I have been through and survived.
And their words make me cry.
Yes, yes, yes, I know.
But again, it wasnt supposed to be this way. Fantasy and reality are colliding in front of me and creating the perfect emotional storm. My heart is aching.
Like my daughters adoption, it wasn’t supposed to be this way.