Pair Annoyed

"I don’t believe in fate or destiny. I believe in various degrees of hatred, paranoia, and abandonment. However much of that gets heaped upon you doesn’t matter – it’s only a matter of how much you can take and what it does to you.” – Henry Rollins

June of this year will mark three years in reunion with my daughter.

We have not met f2f nor spoken on the phone. We had sporadic communication early on and it has died off.  She has requested I not send presents (Well, more like refused the ones I sent versus requesting directly I not send. I read between the emotional lines.)

And still I hang on.  It is what a mother does. I have believed that I am doing the right thing in respecting boundaries and not pushing for meeting, talking or  making any demands. In fact, its been over two years since I even suggested meeting. I don’t plan to again any time soon.

I discussed this over a chat session with a friend recently and she asked me this (and yes, she is an adoptee):

“Do you think daughter might be mad at you for not insisting on meeting? You think you are respecting a boundary but maybe you have grossly disappointed her by not being more insistent?”

Okay, now see, this is the kind of comment I DON’T need. 

This is the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night, chasing an emotional tail, guessing and second guessing, fearing and worrying.

Honestly?

No. I have never thought that. But now that you mention it, I suspect I will.

Will I do anything differently (besides worry that is)? No.

I continue to believe that she wants this. I feel I must respect her contact preferences. If I learn, years down the road, I did the wrong thing, I cannot and will not allow myself to beat myself up about it.

Like all mothers, I am doing the best I can given the information I have been given.

But yeah, thanks chat friend, for jacking up my paranoia. It has been a bit too low lately.

: /

7 Thoughts.

  1. It is never easy, especially when you don’t know what the other side is thinking. Do I stay or do I go, is there something I need to do different. Where is the wizard who has all the answers? Oh, guess I am on my own again, I just need to trust my own instincts.
    Wishing you the best.

  2. I’ve been through the “but you shoulda…” and agree with Yondalla’s post. Your daughter is an adult. You’re both adults and need to relate in that way. (Man, I wish I’d realized that when I first got into reunion.) You have to go by what she has said. And not second guess yourself.
    I’ve seen a lot of success, both for moms and adoptees who have been ignored, in continuing to send casual notes and/or emails, saying “I’m still here. hope you’re doing well,” that sort of thing. Maintaining your presence without demanding more. Offering but not insisting.
    I think you are doing the right thing. If it turns out you aren’t (according to your daughter), you’ll know that it wasn’t you who delayed your meeting and you can react with kindness. You can say, gosh, I wish I’d known what you really wanted. I waited patiently for you to change your mind. I’m so glad you did.

  3. Not trying to really screw with your head or “jack up your paranoia” either, but I agree with the other adoptee on your post.
    Yes, we say a lot of things during reunion and we set boundaries (because we don’t won’t to get hurt or hurt others), but some of us don’t mean all the things we say. Especially at the age of 20 or so.
    My intention is not to upset you on this topic, but really what do you have to lose if you keep sending the emails every now and then, sending the birthday cards on every birthday, sending the Christmas card. What do you have to lose by emailing her or by messaging her and say “Hey, if you are not busy on such in such night, can I call you and talk with you for a few minutes?”

  4. Suz, I don’t want to give you advice or suggestions, and I’m hesitant to even say anything. I don’t want to contribute more to the pain.
    I just know that it has taken me a l-o-n-g time to even come close to my current emotional maturity level, and I am a lot older than your daughter. I am guilty of making people “prove” that they love me. I am guilty of “testing” relationships to see if people really mean the things they say. I don’t know if this is what your daughter is doing, or if she honestly doesn’t want contact, but I know that I have done this in the past. I don’t trust people easily. And I am very conflicted about a lot of things, even now.
    I don’t want to suggest that it takes adoptees longer to mature emotionally, especially when I feel like I have to fight for every inch of my status as an adult. But sometimes, at least about myself, I wonder.

  5. Can I ask? Do you still email? She said no more gifts..I think the gift thing can be a pretty big deal..my guess is it makes them feel wierd..I can tell you more in private about my thoughts on that if you want.
    The email or a card just to say “Hey hope your well, just wanted to say hello”
    I dont want to add to your confusion either though…

  6. I think you have to go with your gut, and if it says respect her boundaries, you do it. You are incredibly bright, perceptive, and sensitive, and I think your gut will steer you right. Plus, this is hard enough without second-guessing yourself.
    I just keep hoping your daughter has an epiphany that opens her up to a relationship. Hopefully soon.

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