Self Fulfilling Prophecies

"Not only is another world possible, she is on her way.  On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." – Arundhati Roy

I spoke with a Mom friend today. A dear friend, recently in reunion, a reunion I assisted with.  During our discussions of the various states of our reunions she said to me:

"I have accepted that I will never have the kind of relationship with my child that many of our other friends in reunion have with theirs."

Has she really accepted that? So soon? Can you accept that?

Should she accept that?

And if you do, if you truly believe you will never have X don’t you end up someway making sure you don’t? Can that line of thinking become a self fulfilling prophecy?

I urged my friend to think a bit deeper about that. It is early in her reunion. She might be surprised.

I challenged her partly for her benefit and partly for my own.

Why does it really matter?

Negativism attracts negative things. Have you noticed how easy it is to get sucked into negative morale at the office? How listening to someone bitch and complain makes you feel sick or uneasy and perhaps even provokes your own complaints?

My life is fulfilling the predictions I embrace. Will they be the
negative messages, or will I choose to live out the positive ones and
be happy, successful, believe that my daughter does care about me and want to know me? It is an intentional decision on my part to ignore
or overwrite negative messages, and a deliberate stance to take on life
half full.

As challenging as my lukewarm reunion has been with my daughter, I have never given up hope. I feel, deep in my core, that given time, maturity, freedom from the power of her adoptive parents and many other things, that my daughter and I can and will have a relationship. That fact has never ever left me. I have faith in her. I have faith in me. I know how strong of a person I am. I know how caring, consideriate, educated, self aware, adoptee considerate. I am 100% confident that if and when she gives me that chance, we will be okay. I know she will like me. She is just afraid to.

Will we be mother and daughter in the traditional sense?

No.

I did not raise her. She doesn’t look to me for those type of motherly things. I don’t expect her too. I did not wipe the boogars, change the nappies, bandage the skinned knees. As much as I may have wanted to, I didn’t. She will not innately look to me for comfort or direction or assistance.

But she is my daughter. And I am her mother. And I believe in her. I believe in me.

I do believe, with time, we will have a close relationship.

I have not given up hope. I have never felt anything different. It is that driving force, the fire in the pit of my stomach that pushes me forward. That helps me when I feel ignored by her, abused, and neglected. I know what is there. I know what is waiting for both of us. She doesn’t.  I remember what it was like to hold her. She has no conscious memory of me.

Even if no one else believed in the value of our mother child bond, I do and always did. It just took me a while to really articulate that and act on it. Now that I have, I am not going back.

I do believe.

She and I can define our relationship and with time and her own emotional maturity, I do believe we will.

A new day dawns every day and some day that daily sun will shine on us.

Of that I am sure.

5 Thoughts.

  1. I’ve been in reunion for almost 28 years. It is a lifelong thing, I swear. Included in those 28 years were 6 years of absolute silence and noncommunication (and they weren’t the first 6 either), a few of very sparse commmunication, a few years of honeymoon, a few years of struggle, and several in between.
    There’s no way one can characterize a reunion after less than ten years.

  2. yes your comments made me think, was I so stuck in that first letter that I had written the story already?
    I sent my number… I took the step I was so afraid of…
    I have to put myself out there, she can keep it, throw it away or use it… but I gave her the option. I will not let my fears guide this, she can decide on the next move…
    And yes, Suz, I believe one day you and M will have the relationship you want to have out of this… You’ve loved too hard not to!

  3. I couldn’t agree more. We are far more likely to attract good things if we expect them. Same with bad things. It’s kinda like you get what you wish for, even when you don’t consciously wish it.
    My daughter-in-law (soon to be my son’s ex) recently said that she’s worried about my granddaughter (my son’s daughter who has been bounced around for all of her 11 years, had a lot of “mommys” and “step-siblings”). “What will happen when Josh and (new girlfriend) break up?” she said. “I know they will. And Naomi will be torn from yet another family.” I refused to go there with her. I told her that right now Naomi is doing well. Josh is happy. I will not predict what’s going to happen, worry in advance, or visualize a bad outcome. I will hope for the best, as I always do.

  4. You know, I’ve had similar thoughts regarding my reunion with my mom. The difference is that I came to that conclusion almost 2 years in.
    It’s released me from all of my broken expectations, and allowed me to love my mom just the way she is. And value our relationship just the way it is.

  5. I absolutely agree that maturity drives the train in all kinds of real-life relationships–those that are less than they might be in some regards but also more. Whenever I think of the glass half full/glass half empty analogy, I have to ask, full of what? The maturation of your thinking is obvious through your posts and stories. As that glass sits there through the years, maturity can filter the contents. It can either be a glass half-full of stagnant, fetid bitterness and grief or one that is continually strained and freshened with perspective, constructive resolve and mature realism. Keep the filter running.

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