All I Want for Christmas

“Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third” – Marge Piercy

This will be my third Christmas in reunion with my daughter. It will be the first holiday that I will not mail her a gift.

This is paining me a bit.

It feels wrong and awkward and I keep fighting my natural maternal instinct to pick her up something and mail it to her. She has very similar tastes in things. I always enjoyed shopping for her.

But I won’t be shopping this year.

I sent her a gift in June and she had a very negative, passive aggressive reaction to it. She refused it but did not tell me she refused it and when I discovered it and asked her about it, she became angry with me and made it all my fault for sending it to her.

I attempted to discuss it with her, she became angrier. I asked her to tell me if she preferred not to receive gifts fro m me and if she needed to set that boundary I would respect it.  I further told her that if she did not answer me I was going to take that as an affirmative response and that she was uncomfortable to tell me that.

She did not answer me.

As I had indicated, I took that to mean I should not send. I confirmed one more time that I would not be sending a gift and while that made me sad, I would respect what appeared to be her wishes.

So I am not sending anything and it makes me sad. I saw some great things I would have purchased. I even made a few things I would have sent.

If it is true that it is the thought that counts, I hope she knows that I am thinking of her and that I wish her a happy holiday season.

9 Thoughts.

  1. The gift thing is so weird. I can’t remember if I blogged about what Kim got me this year or if that was just a diary thing. It’s complicated (which is weird, you know, since adoption is so simple). E-mail me?

  2. Some day, My Dear Friend, I truly believe she will mature and appreciate your love.
    Kristy

  3. God for some reason this post made me soooooooo very sad. I am so sorry Suz, for both of you.

  4. I’m sorry, Suz. I’ve decided (for many complex reasons) not to send my birthmother a gift this year either, and I think really THAT will be more of a gift to her. I sense that my gifts are a burden to her and so this year I am just sending a card. I’ve also seen many, many things that she would love, but I know she wouldn’t love receiving it, so….
    I understand.

  5. I’m so sorry, Suz. I read many blogs written by such amazing, intelligent, kind, and funny as hell women (you, Theresa, and Possum come to mind especially) who would be a huge asset in anyone’s lives, who for whatever reason cannot be acknowledged by their child or first moms, and I have a really hard time understanding why. I try to have empathy for everyone but sometimes I want to shake their mothers and your daughter and say, “just talk to her! Find out who she is, and how incredible she is!” [sigh]

  6. Heavy sigh… this post is so reminiscent of various times in my reunion. When my son and I were at odds or, worse, he had cut me off. It makes holidays and birthdays extra hard. What to do? I always sent him a card, even if not a present. And sometimes, in the middle of whatever it was, he would send an email, like on Mother’s Day.
    I realize that we have something you and your daughter don’t yet. But she’s still so young. Not like that makes you feel better right now. Just hang onto hope that someday she will mature, wake up, realize the importance of your place in her life. And when that happens, all the weirdness that went before will disappear. I promise.

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