1. Tell her that your adoptive parents don’t appreciate her existence. (This may startle her at first and then hurt. They certainly appreciated her existence when they raided her womb. She may wonder what changed but really, she will get over it. All “birth”moms get over it.)
2. Tell her that you are just answering her emails out of obligation and you are doing her a favor. It’s likely no one has done her and her family a favor since she was sent away to give birth to you alone (the nuns surrounding her don’t count). Since words are sometimes misconstrued, when you are clearly being rude, say that "and this is meant to be rude and hurtful to you".
3. Tell her that nature/nurture is nothing. Assure her, repeatedly, that nothing she has or does is in any way reflected in you. She was just your breeder. Her deed is done. Genetics is a crutch for the person who lacks an ability to be a unique individual.
4. Tell her she is needy and obsessive and it’s a bit too late for that. She should have needed you when she was 15 and doing you a favor by giving you a better life than she thought she could. Better yet, tell her she should have fought those drugs they gave her to sedate her when they took you from her. Come on. Surely, she was stronger than that? And tell her to save the tying in restraints sob story for someone else.
5. Tell her you really would prefer she not send you any gifts. The less you have of her around you the better. If she continues to send, invest in a big fat ol’ RETURN TO SENDER stamp. You can get one at your local office supply store.
6. Imply to her, subtly, repeatedly, through thinly disguised contempt, that you think she is a moronic boob. (After all, only village idiots give away their children) Repeatedly tell her to get a grip of herself and calm down even when she is not upset. She doubts herself as it is. You can really help her along by making your issues her issues. This is sure to send her over the edge she has been teetering on for years. Then you will really be rid of her.
7. Ask her how much she received in payment for the sale of you. When she says she got nothing, don’t believe her. Insist that your adoptive sibling cost 20K and you want to know how much you were worth. Did she buy a car with the money the agency gave her? Maybe take a vacation?
8. Tell her there is no such thing as primal wound, adoption trauma or the like. Tell her it’s all in her head and she a bit unstable and you were likely much better off without her after all.
9. Don’t answer her emails, or her phone calls, or letters for months or years. When she finally explodes with anxiety thinking you may be dead or something, explode back. Make your denial and avoidance of her into her issue. Refer to #6.
10. While doing all of the above, ask her to hang around while you grow up and decide if you want her in your life or not.
- source: a number of moms i know (including myself)
#1 by barb on 2007/09/04 - 5:34 pm
ow. god.
#2 by suz on 2007/09/04 - 6:11 pm
barb – harsh, i know but all true stories.
#3 by Anonmouse on 2007/09/04 - 6:18 pm
My list:
Call her or email her to let her know what she did that upset you the day before. It doesn’t have to be a valid complaint. If you’re upset, that’s reason enough.
1) Get involved in an online group that blames everything wrong in their lives on adoption. Jump on the bandwagon and thrive on the “support”
2) Talk about adoption obsessively.
3) Flat out tell her she is responsible for everything bad in your life.
4) Complain about her in a vague way to your online friends (because there is nothing real to complain about) but never mention anything good.
5) Lie about her, then be upset when shes mean and gets angry about it.
6) Point out every little imperfection she has. Laugh at her and mock her. Make it sound like a joke. Shes too stupid to realise you mean it.
7) Interrupt her every time she speaks. Don’t let her finish a thought. Its all about you. That’s what shes here for, to make up for what she did to you.
9) Make sure she knows that she is a disappointment to you. You don’t need a reason. Youre the victim here and you deserve to have her be whomever you want her to be, when you want her to be it.
10) Even though she rarely has an unkind word, misunderstand everything she says and take it as an attack. When she defends herself, take that as an attack too. That gives you the right to say anything to her that you want, after all, you’re upset.
#4 by suz on 2007/09/04 - 6:26 pm
Anon – I am assuming you are a mom in reunion. I am sorry for your challenges if these things happened to you or are now. I understand. Hugs.
#5 by joyjoy on 2007/09/05 - 12:19 am
Yes, I loathe those adoptees who blame everything in their lives on adoption. And anyone knows that adoptees who deal with, or talk about being given away by the mothers for the purpose of healing another couples fertility problems should just suck it up like real kids would if they were in that situation.
There is absolutely NO DIFFERENCE between talking about something and blaming everything in their life on it.
But you know I have even seen natural mothers, one in particular sticks out in my mind writing very mean things about their adoptee on their blogs, one said her “birthdaughter” because apparently the mother had demoted her to birthdaughter, was annoying and obnoxious on her blog, sadly the daughter found it. So it is not peculiar to the adoptee to be cruel about their relations on line.
#6 by Amyadoptee on 2007/09/05 - 12:39 am
Oh WOW Oh wow.
#7 by suz on 2007/09/05 - 7:17 am
Joy – Completely agree with you. Of course natural moms would behave the same way as adoptees. Anger and trauma is felt by all torched by adoption. Don’t know the parties you speak of, I tend not to get into triangles and into other peoples business but it sounds like it was quite hurtful to the mother and child both. Sad when mother and child cannot get past the pain of what a failed system did to them both and they continue punishing each other.
#8 by Denise on 2007/09/06 - 11:55 am
If only my son were that consistent! (Kidding…) One minute I’m the best thing since sliced bread and the next I’m the monster from the black lagoon.
#9 by Rebecca on 2009/07/03 - 8:18 pm
I haven’t said these things but I know I’ve sad things that have been hurtful. I admit that in years past, I have tested Mom C on purpose to see if she would leave me again. She did. For three years. I was the one that said I was sorry. But you remember all that. Thanks for your years of unwavering support. Love, R
#10 by JoEllen on 2009/10/29 - 6:34 pm
I stumbled across a blog in a search that 100% plagiarized this entire entry and one of the comments. I don’t know what your policy is about this, but I thought you might want to know.
I won’t add to the disrespect by publicly posting the woman’s personal blog address, but if you would like further information, please e-mail me privately! I would have sent a private email to you as well, but since it included one of the comments in full, it seemed better to post as a comment. Feel free to delete if this isn’t the appropriate place to address this.
#11 by Suz on 2009/10/29 - 7:02 pm
JoEllen – Feel free to write me privately. I have seen it used one other place but the author properly credited me.
You will also note I apply this license to my work. Details of what that allows at the link. But yeah, I am curious. Drop me a line. Emal address up right under my photo. Tx.
#12 by Just Me on 2010/04/11 - 7:45 am
I wish I had a “birthmom” or whatever you want to call it who gave a damn. I wish it had been someone like Suz, someone with an (apparent) heart. Adoption hurts from both sides. I can’t get my head around a “mother” who won’t talk to her only child in the world. It’s doubly mysterious to contemplate an adopted kid who can’t spare 5 minutes now and then to send a friendly email to the mother who was forced to give her away.