"Brainwashing is a system of befogging the brain so a person can be seduced into acceptance of what otherwise would be abhorrent to him. He loses touch with reality. Facts and fancy whirl round and change places…. "- Edward Hunter
It was somewhere midway through Atwoods “The Robber Bride” that it hit me. Perhaps it was a passage in the book. There seems to be common theme amongst some of the characters – a lack of mother theme. Naturally, as I turn the page my mind wanders to my own daughter.
And then it hits me. My post on pull back. My feelings of late. The very words I used in that post.
“I believe, perhaps erroneously, at this point in her life she is better off without me. I don’t believe there is anything I can do or say to help her. I have to wait.”
You know what? I probably said, no, I know I said the same thing in 1986. She was better off without me. There is nothing I can do or say to help her.
She didn’t need me then (or so they said). She needed a real married mommy. A mommy who had a lovely husband. A mommy who had a place to live. I had nothing. I was nothing. I was just her mom.
And still, twenty odd years later I feel the same way. She doesn’t need me. She is better off without me. Nothing I can do or say will help her. I will only hurt her.
Jesus Mary and Joe So Fat. When do I really stop drinking the kool-aid?
Oh, I am pulling back, but I really need to reframe why I am doing it. I need to make it about her and not about me.