Heretofore

“Where do we go from here now that all of the children have grown up
And how do we spend our lives knowin nobody gives us a damn
I dont wanna live here no more, I dont wanna stay
Aint gonna spend the rest of my life, quietly fading away”
Alan Parsons Project, Games People Play

I have stopped reading certain blogs and may even be away for a while. It’s hard to explain but I am conducting a test.

Will I feel better – at all – if I stop reading all the angry blogs? Are they keeping me here or am I keeping me here?

If I don’t go to the well of despair day after day and hour after hour will my own despair dissipate or will it remain the same? I need to find out.

Over the past few weeks I find myself increasingly annoyed with adoptees and their anger and lack of compassion for moms like me. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting they don’t have a right to that. They do. Just as us moms do. But I just find myself having a harder and harder time accepting it and not wanting to jump out of my skin and attack someone.

When, if ever, do they stop blaming the moms and start blaming the system?

I am struggling with their stuff versus my stuff. What is mine and what is theirs. I feel defensive and tired and annoyed and lacking my usual supportive nature. I need to be loved and understood and not to be constantly reading how much they hurt and we did it on purpose and we are demons and we don’t love them. I feel discouraged by adoptees who are in reunion many years and still fight the same battles with their mothers that those who just entered reunion do. I am continually disappointed in the adoptees who fail to see that their mothers were victims too, women who lost their children, their lives, their friends, their college, their intended life path.

It all leaves me with a feeling of “Should I even bother?” or “Is there any hope for my daughter and I?” or “Did I make a huge mistake in finding her?”.

I have little hope and frankly, I need to find some.

I suspect this says something about me and my own status in my recovery and little about them and theirs. I adore my adoptee blogging friends. I admire their strength of voice and claiming and speaking that voice. I wish my daughter could find their strength. Yet right now, for today, maybe tomorrow and maybe weeks to come I just cannot deal with them. The lines are blurred. I don’t know where their reality stops and starts and my own begins.

What does it say about me that I just cannot handle it right now? Am I becoming avoidant or just setting boundaries for myself?

Admittedly, I have had massive struggles with my own daughter. I am sure that contributes to it. Have also had another relationship in my life come to an end and I am off to new places both internally and externally.

Even as I say this is okay, or understandable, to pull back from my daughter and even a few adoption blogging friends, I feel conflicted. Even taking care of myself, leaves me standing at a cliff, afraid if I jump over to save myself that those I leave behind will once again scream abandonment.

And again, I repeat to myself, “It is not the same. It is not the same.” Choosing to avoid an adoptee that I have never met IRL is not equivalent to leaving your child in a hospital.

It isnt.

8 Thoughts.

  1. I had to stop reading myself, it seems the angry blogs have gone from hating the amoms to hating the bmoms. Open season has been declared and no bmom is immune.

  2. I need breaks from time to time. If you look through my archives, you can see them… they are healing… just like reading is at times. When one stops being healing, it’s time to move back to the other, ya know?
    Or perhaps find something different all together?

  3. Suz,
    My thoughts are with you.
    It is no easy path, so many forces, inside and out, from those directly affected by adoption and from those who think they know what is right and how a natural parent and adoptee should behave (or disappear), so many different people, different feelings, views, hurts and needs. So many are afraid to speak out and honestly talk about their needs or their true feelings. It definitely is not a path that I ever envisioned (not that mine has been all bad, just not easy)
    I haven’t figured out how to really take a break, I wish you the best and hope the time for you is good.

  4. I know its hard. Its hard for me to read them. Sometimes secretly yes I do understand and feel their rage. Yet I keep coming back to how she was treated. I understand it. That does set me into a rage. The agencies created this environment. They have created this world that we live in. That is why I want to change it. I don’t want this to happen to another individual.

  5. Do you blame the arms dealer who sold the gun to the man who shot you? Or do you blame the man who bought the gun in the first place?

  6. I am really happy to know its just not me thinking in this way. I havent been here as long as all of you, but lately —long enough! Amy, says it perfectly clear. It is open season and that rolling snowball is growing and becoming Viral. You cannot reason with anger and hostilities.

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