“Where do we go from here now that all of the children have grown up
And how do we spend our lives knowin nobody gives us a damn
I dont wanna live here no more, I dont wanna stay
Aint gonna spend the rest of my life, quietly fading away”
Alan Parsons Project, Games People Play
I have stopped reading certain blogs and may even be away for a while. It’s hard to explain but I am conducting a test.
Will I feel better – at all – if I stop reading all the angry blogs? Are they keeping me here or am I keeping me here?
If I don’t go to the well of despair day after day and hour after hour will my own despair dissipate or will it remain the same? I need to find out.
Over the past few weeks I find myself increasingly annoyed with adoptees and their anger and lack of compassion for moms like me. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting they don’t have a right to that. They do. Just as us moms do. But I just find myself having a harder and harder time accepting it and not wanting to jump out of my skin and attack someone.
When, if ever, do they stop blaming the moms and start blaming the system?
I am struggling with their stuff versus my stuff. What is mine and what is theirs. I feel defensive and tired and annoyed and lacking my usual supportive nature. I need to be loved and understood and not to be constantly reading how much they hurt and we did it on purpose and we are demons and we don’t love them. I feel discouraged by adoptees who are in reunion many years and still fight the same battles with their mothers that those who just entered reunion do. I am continually disappointed in the adoptees who fail to see that their mothers were victims too, women who lost their children, their lives, their friends, their college, their intended life path.
It all leaves me with a feeling of “Should I even bother?” or “Is there any hope for my daughter and I?” or “Did I make a huge mistake in finding her?”.
I have little hope and frankly, I need to find some.
I suspect this says something about me and my own status in my recovery and little about them and theirs. I adore my adoptee blogging friends. I admire their strength of voice and claiming and speaking that voice. I wish my daughter could find their strength. Yet right now, for today, maybe tomorrow and maybe weeks to come I just cannot deal with them. The lines are blurred. I don’t know where their reality stops and starts and my own begins.
What does it say about me that I just cannot handle it right now? Am I becoming avoidant or just setting boundaries for myself?
Admittedly, I have had massive struggles with my own daughter. I am sure that contributes to it. Have also had another relationship in my life come to an end and I am off to new places both internally and externally.
Even as I say this is okay, or understandable, to pull back from my daughter and even a few adoption blogging friends, I feel conflicted. Even taking care of myself, leaves me standing at a cliff, afraid if I jump over to save myself that those I leave behind will once again scream abandonment.
And again, I repeat to myself, “It is not the same. It is not the same.” Choosing to avoid an adoptee that I have never met IRL is not equivalent to leaving your child in a hospital.