Deja Vecu

"We have all some experience of a feeling, that comes over us occasionally, of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before, in a remote time – of our having been surrounded, dim ages ago, by the same faces, objects, and circumstances – of our knowing perfectly what will be said next, as if we suddenly remember it!" – Charles Dickens

The thing about pulling back in reunion is that it FEELS like leaving your child again.

Even if you KNOW intellectually that you are not, even if you know that you are doing it for good reasons, even if you both agree it is a good thing, it FEELS the same.

It is massively triggering. It can be crippling.

I cannot leave her again. I cannot let go. I don’t want her to think I am abandoning her. Will she understand? How do I do this? Can I survive this- again?

It’s not the same. It’s not the same. It’s not the same. Tell myself over and over again. It’s not the same. This time she has a choice and I have a choice.

It’s not the same.

She’s not ready. She cannot handle this. I am here and always will be.

It’s not the same.

It is tough to let go again after you waited so long to get back in touch.

It is incredibly difficult to lower your expectations, to come out of the fantasy and the hopes and dreams and embrace reality.

Repeat after me.

It is not the same.

2 Thoughts.

  1. Oh, Suz. I don’t want to imagine the pain (though I suppose it would be wise to attempt to imagine but… still). It’s not the same. But you’re still allowed to hurt, to grieve. Don’t deny yourself the right to feel those things. That will do neither of you any good in the long run.

  2. I can relate to this Suz. Reminds me of a quote, “Mental health requires the dedication to reality at all times.” -M. Scott Peck
    You don’t have to convince me it is not the same. Hang in there. Hugs.

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