"Lead us from darkness to light
From ignorance to truth
And from death to eternity
Let peace prevail everywhere"
(yoga prayer for enlightment)
As I recover from my weekend away, and I struggle to return to my life at home, I find myself wanting to avoid all things adoption. Perhaps I am drained from spending 5 days talking and walking in the muck and mire of adoption trauma. Perhaps it’s just PMS.
Whatever it is, today I awoke bitter, angry, resentful and just so very tired of all things adoption. I did not sleep well last night. Instead I mulled over my days away, conversations that I had with friends, topics that hurt or disturbed me. I thought of the two books I read while away (Yaloms “Loves Executioner” and Gilberts “Eat Pray Love”) and how both books hit too close to home in many areas.
As I arrived at work today I remembered I wanted to share these words from my friend Bobby. She wrote them to our ehbabes support group following our meeting on Saturday. I was so inspired by her attitude I asked if I could excerpt some of them here. She agreed.
I think I should read these words once a day for a few weeks. I believe I could find some inspiration here. I am not a mother of a loss. I am a mother. I need to think less about what I don’t have and more about what I do.
Thank you Bobby.
"There was a time at the end of my search, when I found out my parents had passed, and I thought that’s it, it’s over, and this is all there is. But I have learned that the search still continues in me. The search of self-discovery.
The questions of "who am I and where do I come from?" are no longer defined by my aparents or parents. They are defined by me.
Oh, Lord, could it be that I have finally grown up a bit? I am no longer that screaming hurt child throwing a tantrum on the floor because I did not get what I wanted or felt I was entitled to in the court room of universal justice? Could it be that I have somehow crossed over from seeing myself as just an adoptee in the world to BEING a HUMAN BEING in the world. Instead of being an adoptee that is also a human being to being a human being that just happens to be an adoptee?
When did this all happen? When did life creep in and decided that I was going to survive being adopted and make the choice for me that I was going to LIVE whether I like it or not?
Somewhere life took over and the sun still came up and set and will continue to do so whether I am adopted or not. The only difference for me is now being an adoptee is just part of my soul and who I am. It is not my whole universe.
I have so many other things that make up my soul and are also just as entitled to me attention. I am an artist, a mother, a wife, an ex- wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a phlebotomist, an Irish and English American, and there are also so many little details that make up my soul like I prefer Pepsi over coke, and crushed ice over cubed ice, and I think Roman numerals on a clock are more elegant than digital. These are all the things that make up my soul and define who I am. And if something is broken with in my soul’s system, it is just as worthy of being fixed, not just my adoptive self.
Yes, many of the things that are broken in my life are because of adoption, but there are many things that are broken and wonderful in my life that have nothing to do with adoption. And I think that as an adoptee I never felt that I was worthy of the other parts of my soul. I spent so much time just trying to get my identity and soul back that I thought that if I did that everything else would fall into place. Well, it didn’t. All it ended up doing for me was over shadowing every other part of me and caused me to neglect the other parts of myself. I became so big and angry, that I wanted to kill every thing that caused me harm, instead of embracing and learning who I was. I clawed and kicked my way out of my coffin and wanted revenge for not having the right to live. I got so caught up in fighting for the chance to live that I forgot to actually do it!
As Gina graciously allowed me into her home, we hit on common ground that had nothing to do with adoption. We were no longer adoptee and first mom, we were just two people that like old furniture. Same thing happened with me and Hillary and Suz. Hillary and I just became two artists talking about our training and Suz and I became just two people talking about divorce.
All this got my thinking that I just don’t want to be known or remembered as just an angry adoptee. Do I want people to know and be educated about adoption, absolutly! But I feel that society has put enough stigma on me for just being an adoptee. I don’t want people to just focus on that. I don’t want people to say, "She is/was an angry adoptee that had her soul broken by the system." I would rather hear people say, "She was a good human being that LIVED the best she could." And may be hear them say, "And she helped a few other people along the way." Bobby"