I do and I did

All weddings are similar, but every marriage is different. – John Berger

She is great for writing prompts.

Things I have long forgotten often bubble to the surface like lava after reading her blog postings.

The most recent one involved weddings and how my adoption trauma may have affected my wedding. I have so much to say on this topic. Much of it I cannot share, yet, as there are certain things I am keeping from the public eye. However, others are pretty benign.

Immediately coming to mind was my wedding program.  My husband and I were married in a civil ceremony in a non-denominational chapel. (See picture). My husband was baptized Russian-Orthodox but not raised as such (did not attend church at all). I was raised very conservative Roman Catholic. I had discarded my religion instruction after losing my daughter to adoption (religion was a big influence there). We had no need to have a religious ceremony. Our parents balked a bit but got over it.

My friend Pat was the Justice of the Peace. I wrote our vows. I designed our program. Hubby and I selected music selections played at chapel by  friends of family. It was a nice, simple ceremony.

An interesting addition to my wedding program was inside the front cover.  The dedication on it said:

“The love we share today is matched only by the love we feel for those who cannot be with us”

Beneath those words I listed my deceased grandmothers name, my husbands deceased sisters name, and my daughters birth name.

She was there with me at my wedding just like she was any other day.  Husband asked me regularly how I felt about putting that in there. He did not mind but he was concerned how I would feel about people questioning or asking me. I told him I would deal with that when and if it happened. There was no question in my mind I wanted her name in my wedding program.

As it turned out, the only person that asked me directly about it was my mother in law.  Now, she and I aren’t exactly buddies. At that time in our life, she did not know about my daughter (although I had urged my husband to tell her).  When she asked me who [daughters birth name]  was, I told her simply it was a member of my family that I loved very much that could not be here today.  She accepted that and went on her way.

I loved having her name there. It was important to me. Just like she is and always has been.

2 Thoughts.

  1. I think the way you handled your MIL’s comment is brilliant and a great way for others to plan to handle questions on a wedding day as well. It’s a hard enough day as it is!
    Thank you for sharing this. The ceremony sounds lovely. And what a beautiful little chapel. I want to go there! 🙂

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