Wow.

I have for some time kept a private blog where I write to my daughter. Oh, it is not shared with her.  The words are meant for her, directed at her, but I dont share them. Its like my dumping ground. When I am upset and angry or hurt by her, I vent there.

I hadnt done it in a few months. Written there, that is. I read it today. Ouch. Wow. I can be seriously pissed off and bitchy. LOL. I was amused in an odd sort of way at the anger in my words. Very glad I am putting them THERE and not directing them towards her. I suppose that shows some growth and maturity on my part.

I also made another blog. It will be for password protected entries. There has been many times I wanted to share things with many of my readers but I hold back. I am afraid to write certain things. To be THAT transparent (and I am pretty transparent).

I am afraid to write certain aspects of my story due to fear that my daughter, her adoptive parents, her father, his wife, even my hsuband  might read them. Thats awful, huh? That I still feel like I must hide me, filter my voice, to protect the false reality and feelings of  others involved in this trauma of mine?

Its just that there is SO much to my story. So much that I dont write because I dont want her, or them to find out about it here. On the net. In a public forum. I want them to ask me. To care. To inquire. But they dont. So I keep it to myself to protect their feelings. Something oddly twisted there, no?

Like I know several people IRL who read there. But they NEVER comment to me in person. Once in a while a member of my family will post a snide comment under a silly ID. Or they will make a rude comment in person that is clearly mocking the words I have shared here. I recently had an argument with a family member about something that clearly was wrong to me. Something that did not make sense.  Their sarcastic response was to quote, verbatim, words from my blog. The blog they have never commented on or discussed in IRL. Really helpful for our relationship, right?

I greatly respect my dear friends in Vienna or Cologne, who do read here and then write me privately and say ‘Woah, Suz, I had no idea. Thank you for sharing." Or they ask questions. That is decent. That is friendship and relationship building. But to lurk and sneak and pretend you dont when you know me face to face?

Any wonder why I am afraid to write the real juicy stuff?  I fully intend to write my entire story some day. Even consider getting it published. Self published if I must. Refer to my earlier post looking for an ilustrator. But that day is not yet here. Its coming. I can feel it. When I think about being really transparent, I feel less and less anxious. Its like my strength is building.

My approach to more challenging posts will be to post a link here to the password protected blog.  If you are itnerested, you can write me and I can provide a password.  I welcome commenatry and insight from the Joys, Possums, Beccas, Margies, and others of the world. So many of you have helped me so much. Sharing your stories, you feelings, your support.

But yeah, look for the random links to password protected posts. I hope you will consider commenting and wont mind the extra step.

Peace out.

Back to "my patchwork quilt of a life and the memories embroidered on my soul. "

5 Thoughts.

  1. Honey~
    I feel your pain in your words almost each and everyday. Some I have no words for and say nothing, other’s I do comment on.
    Like the one of your son giggling, I didn’t send a comment because it was so precious and special. Being an adoptive mom myself, I couldn’t leave one, feeling for you missing out on your first born’s laughter.
    As far as family goes, you should know by now that most suck big time. It’s the strangers you meet along the way who are more open and honest about things .. it’s always been this way.
    So, all I will say is don’t fret, the day will come very soon when you won’t have to hide anything back, nor hide anymore. You’ll be able to converse face to face with your angel .. you’ll see!
    I’m here for you, either way! Mo xoxoxox

  2. Mo – Thanks babe. For the record, that wasnt my son giggling, some video I found on the Net but loved it. Yah, I think I am finally starting to embrace my anger. I realize I have been playing nice and okay for a while. I am not. I am supremely pissed off. Must work on that.

  3. Hi, I’d love the password if your willing to share with a lurker 🙂 I’m not sure if I’ve ever commented before, I know I seriously considered it awhile back, but don’t remember if I do. I’m not snarky or anything I’m just incredibly shy.I can’t remember how I found your blog , but I read because my mother was adopted, she’s never been able to find her birth family and I know she tried for a long time. She has a lot of emotional issues and in some weird way the things you write at times give me a tiny bit of insight to what she may be feeling. So I linked to my email and my old blog up there and if your comfy I would love the password since I love your writing!

  4. I know exactly what you mean. I would love to spill my feelings, rage, and anger about some of the things my daughter has done to me. I have done that on my blog and then terrible guilt and fear consumed me that she would find my blog. So I edit myself now, and don’t have a lot of positive things to say so I haven’t posted to my blog of late. Same old story…..I want more from the relationship than she is willing to give.
    I would love your password.

  5. I’d love to read your protected blog. I know I haven’t been around long, though, so if you don’t feel comfortable I certainly understand.

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