On Its Way

"Love is a gift. You can’t buy it, you can’t find it, someone has to give it to you. Learn to be receptive of that gift.” – Kurt Langer

I mailed the packages today.

Two of them.

One had to go by itself due to the contents. A women in the post office commented on my creative packaging. I had purchased stickers that had various happy birthday, party, celebrate type sayings on them. The box was mildly colorful, kinda like graffiti.

I thanked her for her compliment and schmoozed a bit with my postal guy. He is nothing great. Not looking anyway. Kinda rough. Bearded, short, scruffy. But he is always friendly and flirts with me. Who couldn’t use a bit of flirting at 8 am in the morning? Its better than morning caffiene.

We completed our transaction; I checked my PO Box and headed off to work.

I felt deflated.

Odd.

I remembered back to last year when I got to mail her first birthday present. I was frolicking. I think I heard birds sing. Butterflies and fairies scampered about me. I am quite certain Bambi and Thumper crossed my path.

Not this year. This year it was different. I felt sad. Deflated really is the only word I can come up with it.

I spend weeks shopping, collecting her gifts. I plan a theme. I get special paper from PaperChase or Kates Paperie. Hand made wrapping paper, hand dipped, whatever. Its just cool.  I color coordinate cards. I make special laser inscribed CDs. I put a lot into it and I enjoy it greatly it. I smile and snicker and ponder what she will think when she opens the stuff. Will she like it? Will she hate it? Will she thank me or ignore me?

Having the gift items in my house, knowing they will eventually go to her, is like having a piece of her here. Hard to explain. Probably doesn’t make sense. But that’s how it feels.

But to see it go, to send it away, well, it’s a bit triggering you know? I know its not her. I know its presents and its going to her. But it just feels so odd. To purchase and present gifts to someone but not to them personally rather to the scruffy dude at the USPS.

So terribly strange to send your child presents but not be able to see her open them. Not to know if she likes them, giggle with glee at the sight of them or sigh with disgust. Its odd to know where you baby is but not to be able to celebrate a big birthday – any birthday – with her. To never have sang her an awful version of “Happy Birthday”. To never see her purse her lips, make a wish and blow out cake candles. I don’t know what kind of cake she likes – IF she likes cake. My favorite is Angel Food. I wonder what hers is?

Its very strange.

I miss the package. I miss the collecting, the shopping, the preparing.   It saddnes me.

I suppose what I miss most of all is that all the build up leads to me dumping the package with the scruffy dude at the post office and not in her hands.

9 Thoughts.

  1. i hear you. i know that feeling. especially because you don’t know what her response will be, of if she’ll have one at all. all that work and emotion and energy you put into it, and it’s sort of like going off into space.
    it’s so messed up. the whole system is.
    it’s wrong that you have to mail a package to the daughter you only knew for a few short hours. it’s messed up that adoptive parents don’t even give gifts that natural parents send to the adopted kids, that kids are lied to, that we all have to be scared and wait and hope and hurt.

  2. “I spend weeks shopping, collecting her gifts. I plan a theme. I get special paper from PaperChase or Kates Paperie. Hand made wrapping paper, hand dipped, whatever. Its just cool. I color coordinate cards. I make special laser inscribed CDs. I put a lot into it and I enjoy it greatly it. I smile and snicker and ponder what she will think when she opens the stuff. Will she like it? Will she hate it? Will she thank me or ignore me?”
    I can’t answer that, Suz, except I don’t think it matters that much whether she likes her gift(s) or not. But I can tell you that I always FELT all the effort when I received gifts from my mom. I felt it. I knew how important it was to her. I didn’t always let her know that (shame on me) but I DID feel it.

  3. I’ve just started reading, so I have one question – I’m guessing you and your daughter have not had a physical reunion yet? It’s so obvious you need it. I hope it happens for you, soon!

  4. Christie – Thank you for your question. Yor assumption is correct. We have been in eReunion for two years. Email and internet only. This has been at her request and I have honored it and not pushed. Well, I had asked a few times during our first of year of reunion but have since stopped. She knows I want to meet her. I have to trust her to ask, express, suggest, when she is ready. I dont want a hostile witness nor do I want her doing something to pacify me. I want her to genuninely want to meet and feel comfortable doing so. You cannot share a latte and discuss books when one party doesnt want to be there, you know?
    Having been forced to surrender my first born, I would never force that very child (now and adult) to do something she is not comfortable doing. I give her the respect I never got.

  5. You sound amazing. She may not know it yet, but she’s lucky to have you in her life! 🙂

  6. Christie – You reminded me of a lyric by one of my favorite singer/songwriters Warren Haynes. I forget the full song but I know there is a line about wisdom coming from despair…
    Thats pretty much sums it up for me. Altho, Aeschylus does an equally good job.
    “He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our despair, against our own will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.”

  7. Oh Suz I can’t even imagine. It must be so hard.
    I think it’s lovely that you do such nice things for her and I’ll bet her favorite cake is Angel Food.
    (((Suz)))

  8. Gosh, Suz, I can’t think of a word to say that will help. I will just keep hoping that your daughter takes the next step, and that you two are able to meet and develop a deeper relationship.
    I know she will love your gifts, and hopefully they will push her closer to reaching out to you. Sending a hug.

  9. Suz, Of course I’m crying my eyes out at this post. I hate it that you are not fully appreciated for the mother you are. I can only shake my head and hope that THIS TIME, she lets you know how great your gift is right away. You know I love you, Rebecca

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