A Year Has Past

"We do not live in
the past, but the past in us."

– Ulrich Philips

A year ago this coming week I saw my daughter in person for the first time since she was three days old. Oh, I did not talk with her. I did not touch her. I barely looked at her.

Yet we were in the same room, breathing the same air, hearing the same noises. There were mere centimeters between us and I could not touch her or  make my presence known. I still marvel at how I surived that day. I suppose it is rooted in the fact that I had already lost her. I knew I could do it again. Not sure I like that level of acceptance.

I still lose my breath thinking about that day. Odd, how somehow, I just knew that the anniversary of that encounter was around this time. I looked it up in my blog archive and sure enough, I was right.  Approxmiately a year ago this week I met Claud and we joked about me running into my daughter. Claud had brought big dark sunglasses just in case.

Some joke. Some sick, cruel, cosmic joke.

It amazes me how I just KNEW from the back of her that it was her. I knew from the side of her lovely pierced nose.  I can still see the slouch of her back, the slant of her beautiful face, her expression.

My daughter without question.

History cannot be rewritten but it can be reread.

Read The Nose.

7 Thoughts.

  1. To have the strength to give your daughter her space when she was so close – truly incredible, Suz. And the right thing to do, absolutely.
    I got goosebumps reading “The Nose,” but also felt incredibly frustrated – because of the secrecy, because your daughter needs to feel torn between you and her a-mom, and mostly because her a-mom doesn’t appear to be doing anything to encourage your daughter to talk about you!
    Here’s to the hope that this year brings the reunion.

  2. Wow.
    I don’t know how you managed to leave. I was riveted reading “The Nose”.
    I hope you get to have a real face to face meeting soon. I just don’t understand why your daughter is so reluctant. I can guess why, loyalty to aparents, but still it boggles my mind.

  3. WOW Suz,
    HOW? Oh you are a brave beautiful woman.
    If it is ok with you, I pray for your reunion, for the highest good of all concerned.

  4. Justice – While not a religious person myself, I ALWAYS welcome prayers, good wishes, good thoughts sent my way. Pray for me whenever your heart desires.

  5. wow. that was a year ago?!? time flies by.
    i’m hoping and really hoping some more for you for growth and positive energy between you and your daughter.

  6. There is NO WAY it has been a year! OMG. Unbelievable. I feel like I was just reading about this yesterday. Man time flies.

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