1 of 78

“It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.” – Noel Coward

Her parents fostered 78 babies that were placed in the care of the agency I surrendered my daughter to.

78.

A staggering number to me.

While it was over a period of years, the visual image that formed in my head was 78 babies in a room all crying for their mamas. Elsewhere, 78 mothers were feeling the loss of their child. Seventy eight closed files. Seventy eight families forever changed by adoption.

78.

Recovering from the visual image in my head, I found myself aching. Feeling angry and sad and lost again.

I was never told my daughter would go into foster care. Again, more lack of informed consent.

In fact, foster care was one of the many lies that were told to me to get me to surrender to that agency in that state.

When my mother and I asked if I could stay in my home state, we were quickly told “no”. I was informed that my home state had cruel adoption laws that required a surrendered child to be left in foster care system for a year before the child could be placed with a family.

This horrified me. Truly horrified me. OMG. It would be bad enough that my child would be without me, but to be passed to strangers not once but twice? And to have a period of a year in between there?

No. Good god. No foster care. Mom, please. Don’t do that to her. If she cannot be with me, please let her go right to her adoptive family home.

And they told me she would IF I flew to Illinois and surrendered her there.

The truth?

The agency was involved in a legal battle with my home state. My home state had blocked them from taking or placing babies from/into our state due to the agencies illegal practices. Furthermore, the agency wanted to take advantage of Illinois conservative laws. And that could only be done if I gave birth in that state.To get the child in my womb they needed me in a different state.

Did I know this? Was I told this? Were my parents?

No.

That might have caused me to change my mind.

If foster care was required, even for a week or two, why couldn’t she have stayed with me during that time period?

Why?

I am going to assume that it was dangerous. We would bond even further. I might change my mind. Maybe I would turn my head on that lawsuit they threatened me with.

Its often too much for me to ponder. It hurts too much.

The lies.

My ignorance.

My lack of self esteem

The deceit.

The manipulation.

Why did I ever trust them?

Why didn’t I challenge them?

Who cared for my baby after she left me?

Were they good to her? She told me she was very sick at birth and afterwards. Did she have health problems in foster care?

Those nights that I was alone, having nightmares, hearing a baby crying, was she really crying? Was she crying for me?

I was lied to

She was fostered.

She might have been one of the 78 my new friends family fostered.

One of 78.

9 Thoughts.

  1. Oh wow. You trusted them because you were still naive enough to believe that such people couldn’t possibly be evil. You were raised to be a good Catholic girl and not to question your elders. She might have been crying for you but she needn’t cry any longer. You have come back to her and will always be there if she needs you. Please don’t blame yourself, blame THEM. The people that lied to you should carry the burden of guilt for their deceit. Not you, Suz. You are good, kind, loving and innocent. I love you, Rebecca

  2. Ugh. My daughter was fostered too, after I was urged to sign the papers quickly because this good family was waiting. I didn’t question their good intentions. I truly had no idea how clueless these people were. I thought I was the clueless one. Hindsight needs to be tempered with self forgiveness.

  3. Oh Suz. The lies and deception.
    I’m kinda speechless.
    How could you have known – when those that profited from your loss told you everything you needed to hear – so they could steal your baby.
    There is no other word for it – STEAL – is all that it could ever be.
    There are those that are so hell bent on getting what they want – they stoop to any level just to get their way.
    Please don’t blame yourself for this.
    You had the best interests of your child – as you – at that time – believed them to be.
    No one ever gave you the support and the encouragement that you deserved – DAMN IT.
    The deception makes me so very angry.
    I guess I’m not as speechless as I thought.
    Big hugs to you Suz. C. xxxxx

  4. Suz, I am so very, very sorry. It is unfathomable for me to imagine that this crime was committed against you. I just am so sorry.

  5. Goodness, I hope that didn’t come off the wrong way. What I meant of course was that the lies, the deceit and the violations against you are just so awful – so evil – that it is hard to wrap my head around how someone could do something so horrific like that to another human being and her baby.

  6. My first mom said she insisted I was not to go to foster care under any circumstances. She actually offered to keep me until I could go to my new family.
    The Agency assured her I would not go to foster care, she signed the papers and…
    I ended up in foster care for three months.
    My a-parents were actually told that I needed to be in foster care because someone was having second thoughts and they needed to make sure she wouldn’t come back for me.
    Apparently her offer to keep me for a while freaked them out. So off to foster care I went.
    I’ve met my foster parents, they’re nice enough people.
    When I reunited with my first mom in December and she found out I spent three months in foster care she was pissed.
    She still is.
    I can’t believe how these people at the Agency could sleep at night knowing they were lying to women to get their babies. Pretty disgusting.

  7. Suz,
    I’m impressed that at your tender age – in the fog of crisis – you even considered that your daughter MIGHT go to foster care and took steps to avoid it, but you WERE lied to one way or the other by much older people with an agenda. My first mother was TOTALLY unaware that I might be fostered. Which I was…for an entire month. She too was told there was a family all picked out and waiting. Still, it sounds like you were as proactive as a young girl could be. The important stuff that people LEAVE OUT (like foster care) is shocking.

  8. Nina – Dont give me too much credit it. It was the agency that brought up the fostering thing. I would never have thought/known about it until they told me why I could not stay in my home state. Had they not used that lie against me, I am quite confident it wouldnt have occurred to me at all.

  9. This reminds me very much of the nine days I was unaccounted for immediately after my birth. This remains a mystery to birth mom, adoptive parents and me.
    For nine days, I had to be somewhere. Right?
    Love your blog!

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