Crossing Lines

Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers. – Unknown

I have seen many different types of reunions over the years. Many I faciliated, others I just read about.  The majority of them were pretty texbook. What I mean by that is that they were either like mine (where one party is more distant than the other), one party denies contact, or they go okay..with some bumps and pushing and pulling and trying and learning (One might argue mine is actually the latter but to me its different. The reunions I refer to in the third case are those where both parties gladly accept the other and learn to work through it together. My friend K and her mom/my friend M come to mind.)

One of the most disturbing reunions was witnessed by me (and many others) on another blogging service. They went through all the phases I mentioned about (distance, denial and discovery) but they had a unique twist. Outrage and abuse of each other – in public.

It was horrifying to read their reunion battle via the internet. Nasty messages sent to and from on public journals. Rude, incredibly rude and hurtful statements issued from mother to child. I eventually stopped viewing them. They scared me (both of them). Apple did not fall far from the tree in that case.

One of the most disturbing things the mom did was to impersonate a 20 something year old girl and gain access to her daughters private journal. (she actually bragged about this to me). To this day, I believe her daughter has no idea that her friend Mandy is also her first mother. Daughter thought she was sharing private thoughts, life stories with her friends…little did she know one of those friends was a horrible imposter.

This, to me, was the ultimate violation and form of abuse. When the mom told me about it, I gasped, loudly, in my home office. OMG. How could she?

The clear lack of understanding and need for boundaries was startling. And she wondered why the daughter had such issues with her? If she did that (without daughters knowledge), what else did she do that daughter knew about?

I can understand the desparation, the overwhelming desire, need, hunger to know your child but come on. Even mothering and parenthood has boundaries. She clearly overstepped hers.

My daughter and I both have many blogs, journals, online accounts. We have not friended each other. Not my request – but hers. There is only one journal I would never allow her access to and it is the one I am most candid in. Where I write thimgs, potentially hurtful things, relating to our reunion. We all need our outlets and that is mine. The rest of my sites (including this one), she is welcome to vist, read, etc. But she doesnt.

When her parents visited this blog a few montsh ago and I told her, she visited it for the first time. She read a few pages and left. she did not like it. Told me I was too personal, too open and that I should not be so public about my story .. since it refers to her. I struggled greatly with that. I mean greatly. I certainly wanted to respect her feelings, I have no desire to hurt her or family but hello, its my story too. I HIGHLY filter what I write for that very reason.

Should I not write at all simply becuase it makes her uncomfortable? I said no. Thats a boundary I set. I let her know that I filter, that I keep her name out of things, that she is welcome to read anytime and verify for herself. I let her know that I was uncomfortable with her request for me to stop being who I am. I would never ask the same of her. I did however, chop the blog off, to blurb it, and I am thinking a bit more these days about what I write. I compromised. She drew a line, I moved it a bit, we discussed it and settled on a new location. For now.

The thing about boundaries is that they can always change. They come closer or move farther away.  I hope ours come closer and not farther away.

10 Thoughts.

  1. While I think you should be able to say whatever you want, it’s very grow up of you to censor yourself to respect her and spare her feelings. Much love, Rebecca

  2. I have a confession to make. I am a mother who lost her child to adoption 20 years ago. My child has refused any contact, and has no intention on ever contacting anyone in the biological family. As a desperate mother, I have logged on the computer not revealing who I truly am…and can read my child’s information. Adoption has altered my very being…this act(of lying on the computer) is not something I am proud of, or recommend….in fact after reading your thoughts on the act….I feel even more unworthy. Part of me knows and has always known this is the only chance I have of ever knowing anything about my child. Remember your post about worrying if a tragedy strikes your child? You, perhaps more than most, can imagine what it is like to lose a child to adoption, but to have that child refuse any and all contact and in denying that contact speak rudely and harshly……until you have been through that….knowing that all is over, and this is it…..yes, one may do something she is not proud of, an act of desperation…to stoop so low to catch the only glimpse of your child you may ever see. I was promised contact on a yearly basis, and it never ever happened….so yes, the desperate low life part of me…thinks in some twisted way that I am entitled to these few glimpses, that my child is unaware of me taking. Is it an invasion of their privacy? YES, absolutely. But knowing it is the only way and so easy to do…the devil wins out. The stolen glimpses help me get through the years of being apart, of knowing I will go to the grave before ever being contacted. I fear going to hell for it, but frankly this adoption stuff feels like hell already to me. Dramatic? Yes, but still true.

  3. awww, anonymous, yes, i understand. i am sorry about your situation. while i dont condone your actions (i worry abou their affect on you and your child should you be discovered) i can definitely understand them.
    also, from what you write it sounds like you are merely visiting your child online, a webpage or something? thats nothing in my opinion. anyone can do that. its called the internet. and if its the only glimpse you have of her, what are you to do?
    what i objected to with this mom was pretending to be someone she clearly was not (a teenager), gaining private access to her daughters journal to spy on her. clearly a violation of privacy. doesnt sound like your situation. you should like you feel bad for what some call “stalking” that is..visiting your childs online presence regularly. dont sweat that. i do it also.
    you are proof yet again how awful and wrong adoption is. peace be with you. i am sorry for your pain. i know it all too well.

  4. Anon, I am the M my friend mentions when she talks about K and M. K and I have a wonderful relationship that grows all the time. Hard work? Yes. Worth the effort? Oh yes, very worth it. I wish that all mothers had the chance I have had with my daughter. I understand about the looking at her pages. I do it too, in fact as soon as I knew where her blog was, I went and read it. Not uninvited, but certainly before she thought I would. I still look at it, to catch those glimpses of her that I missed. We both have our lines and we both have agreed that we are very, very lucky. I wish you luck in the future and I will pray to all the Gods that someday your child will decide that knowing you is worth the risk.
    Mary

  5. Suz, you and your daughter bring diplomacy to new heights. I admire your patience, your willingness to allow things to develop ever so slowly. I truly hope it does bring you both closer, and I’m guessing it will, because it’s building trust.

  6. I think I know what you are saying, but I also think people are different and have different ideas about what they want. I am not saying my mother and I don’t hurt each other, we sometimes do, but I think part of it is just how we are.
    So it’s not as offensive to me as it might be to others.
    I would hope that my mother wouldn’t impersonate anyone, but I haven’t worried about it, I think if she did she would tell me she was impersonating someone, she’s not good with secrets.

  7. totally understand joy. its like my mirroring post. what i find normal from my daughter..othres find offensive…

  8. OMG. Joy is right. Impersonating is not within my skill set. On my youngest daugter’s LJ I sign my comments “Momma” Her friends thought it was someone playing a joke at first.

  9. I really like your blog. You write well and you express yourself awesomely. Reading this post and others ignites the fury inside me as a mother who has also lost a child.
    Ok straight up, im pissed off!! If you feel you need a place to express your feelings about YOUR experiences who the hell has the right to say not to? Isnt it the same as adoptees posting their feelings postive and negative about their adoption?
    It seems like in every situation we, the mothers, are left out. Sometimes i get so mad i want to spit on adopters. I’m sorry but they got the benefit of my loss and my tragedy. If they tried to tell me I shouldnt post I would say well lady maybe you shouldnt steal my kid from me..everyone else can voice an opinion but us? what a crock!
    srry. lol
    Erika

  10. Erika – thanks for your comment and visit. I completely agree but still struggle with executing on that agreement. I am too afraid that being totally true to myself will push my daughter away. I want her closer. Not farther away. Its a daily battle within myself. Thanks for visiting!

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