Get a Free Copy of Hole In My Heart

I am officially sponsoring a book give away!

I will give one lucky winner a brand new copy of Lorraine Dusky new book Hole in My Heart.

Here is what you need to do to qualify:

  1. Read my pseudo review on the book. You can find it here. I say pseudo because I have more to say on the book but that is forthcoming. Previous post contains my initial reaction.
  2. Share that post on your Twitter feed, Facebook or blog post. Easiest way to do this is use the Share Twitter or Facebook buttons at the bottom of the post. You can also copy this link and paste it into your own post or tweet.
  3. MOST IMPORTANT > Leave a comment in the post and include your email. Email is not published so no worries. However, you must leave it for me so I can contact you if you win.
  4. I will determine the winner by pasting all emails into a random generator. The email chosen by the random generator will be the winner!

I will ship to all locations (United States and beyond). If you win, I will contact you via email and inform you. If you accept, you will need to email me your mailing address. I will then ship.

Go. Now. Read. Share. Comment. Win!

I will announce the winner on Monday, July 6th.

10 Years Since I Found Her

Today is the 10 year anniversary of finding my daughter.  In reflecting I recall an arch of excitement, hope, fear, anxiety followed by disappointment, anger, sadness.

These days the primary emotion is a dull weight of  sadness. No longer do I suffer the extreme emotions. There is just a dull presence, always dragging me a bit slower than I want to be, distracting my thoughts at times I am trying to think of other things.  I still suffer nightmares, a teeny bit of depression and can still be easily triggered.  Mostly, its just this dull sadness.  A paperweight on my soul.

That being said, I have no regrets in finding her. While I still wish she had wanted to know me, I realize I have more than many mothers still searching desperately to know the status of their children.

I still smile and remember the frenzy of that day, phone calls with my sister, emails and phone calls with Jean (who dug up my daughters college email), falling off my chair at work and vomiting and crying in the ladies room at work. I remember her first email back to me, short, cool, matter of fact.  The waiting for the next email, the upset stomach for days, the racing thoughts and inability to focus on my daily life.  Long ago yet still yesterday.

Happy anniversary to me.


Lorraine Opens a Hole

I am woefully behind on a personal review of Lorraine Dusky new book Hole In My Heart: memoir and report from the fault lines of adoption. I would love to say this delay was due to an overabundance of work, winning the lottery and running off to Turks and Cacos or even lounging at the side of my in ground pool catching rays for days.  It is none of the aforementioned.  It is something entirely different (see below).

I can offer that I thought the book was incredibly well written, painfully moving and superbly architected. By this I mean that Dusky was brilliant in her decision to root her personal experience in the landscape of adoption.  Just as you get to a point where you might doubt something, Lorraine provides factual citations or inserts documentation detailing the “fault lines of adoption”.  I internally stood up and clapped at these parts of the book.  I have thought of a similar approach to my own memoir as it relates to the Kurtz Network of Baby Brokers.

I struggle with offering more than the above at this time.  While I generally rave about adoption books, memoirs (see the Books category in this blog), this book has stopped me in my tracks. I feel as if I am trudging through deep emotional mud to get to the other side of a review. Candidly, every time I go to write about this in depth, I write angry words.  I want to fling that emotional mud I am walking through. This book surfaced my anger.  While I do not run from anger I do not want to project it on to Lorraines’ book.

I have been pondering why this book has made me angry.  I have concluded, for now, that Lorraine’s story hit closer to home than most.  Lorraine’s family background (Polish, Irish, middle class, Catholic) is nearly identical to mine.  Lorraine’s push-pull relationships with the men in her life strongly resembles my relationship with my daughters father and other men I dated (or married) post surrender. Lorraine’s desire to work her way through college, to be a career woman, a writer, could have been written by me.  When she writes about Patrick, I visually saw my own uncles (one named Patrick) who were gregarious, NYC, Irish men (with a taste for the drink).

In a word we all can relate to, this book was “triggering” for me. As I have written many times here in the ten plus years of this blog, just when I think I am good, golden, peachy with my adoption and non-reunion situation, something sets me off kilter.  I walk on sea legs for a few weeks.

I encourage all to read it. I applaud Lorraine for writing it.  When I am recovered a bit more, I will share more thoughts. My lack of commentary should not be a reflection of the book, rather of my tender state – almost thirty years post surrender. It is THAT good and THAT well written.

You can get the book on Amazon.  Indivudals banned from Amazon (like me) will be happy to know you can get it on Barnes and Noble too! Read about it at The Sag Harbor News. Visit Lorraine author page on Facebook.